Sarah is a typical grandma, devoted to her two sons, her grandchildren and a couple of great grand children. This year she will experience her 86th birthday, almost exactly one year after losing her husband. They had been inseparable for 61 wonderful years.

Because of my mother's severe depression, it left an awareness in me that I should be always cautious of my own mental health. I have been lucky...at age 55 I have been spared the illness from which my mother suffered so much. My mother-in-law suffered from depression also. Now my two daughters are adults. With both their grandmothers suffering from severe depression, it had crossed my mind they could both be at high risk for the same problems. Of course, this was way in the back of my mind...my daughters are both healthy and would be spared from this tortuous illness, wouldn't they?

During Sarah's younger years living in Pennsylvania, working, raising children and caring for the household, all of her mental faculties were fine tuned and operating well. The first taste of anything unusual arrived in 1982 immediately after the death of her mother. A pall of depression began sweeping over her at various times. She sometimes felt like she was heading towards the edge of a huge precipice. During these times Sarah would tell herself to "hang on tight" in order to avoid going over the brink. Her doctor prescribed Valium to be taken as needed. Sarah's very best remedy for "hanging on", however, was to find someone who was worse off than she, enabling her to put her own plight in better perspective. This technique worked reasonably well for years, lasting even through her oldest son's move to California along with her daughter-in-law and a grandchild.

Potential disaster struck, however, a few years later when her youngest son decided to join his brother in California. Not long after he left home, the depression and all of it's attendant feelings and emotions returned full blast. Once again, it became necessary to pull out all the stops to avoid plunging into the precipice. Psychiatry was not much of an option at that time given the enormous social stigma surrounding it (some of which, unfortunately, still exists). Sarah worked hard to expand her horizons even resorting to more intense prayer, asking God to help her by revealing someone in a more desperate situation. The answer was brutal. The son of one of her long time friends crashed the jet he was flying into the Arizona desert. The shock of this discovery helped her realize that she needed only buy a plane ticket to see her sons, yet her friend would never have that luxury.

Sarah and her husband eventually joined their sons in California and enjoyed many years of familial bliss. Advancing age brought with it increasingly more health problems for both of them. When her husband died in July of 1997, she was rocketed once again to the depths of despair. Although blatant thoughts of suicide never crept in, it seemed all too easy to just let life slip away, now that all purpose for living had effectively disappeared. She has tried to reconcile his death by thinking about the suffering he endured during his last two years on earth and what a blessing it is that he is now at peace. During the long periods of emptiness, thoughts come flooding back of the things she could have done. She had longed to hug him during those final months and tell him how strong her love was, but chose instead to maintain normalcy, lest he sense the nearness of death.

Sarah has resisted the urge to slip away by forcing herself to do the tough things that life demands. Many of her friends have died or are incapable of communication, but she constantly bolsters her will to live by trying to keep herself active, along with visualizing the enormous impact her death would have on her sons and their families. Nonetheless, let there be no question, she is living for the day that she can join her husband and seek her own peace.

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