Now that I know the symptoms better and don't feel ashamed I recognize that I probably suffered from depression for the last ten years. Although I have always been successful, I never felt that way inside. For as long as I can remember I have felt despair during times in my life. By despair, I mean I was unable to get up for days at a time, didn't pay any bills, never bought groceries and very rarely slept. Basically I just lay in bed with a million dreary thoughts racing around and around. I couldn't shake the feelings of hopelessness and felt that I would never know any peace. Trying to describe it now is difficult except to say that I never felt I had any answers, I felt out of control, ashamed at my weakness, embarrassed, useless and unloved.

The problem is that I had a wonderful life, a wonderful family who was very affectionate with me, two college degrees, a good business and many friends. Yet, I felt horrible inside and the longer I had to put on a facade the harder it became. Finally I cracked. At the time I was extremely against taking drugs because I had heard all the horrible problems and unfortunately believed all the bad press. So I recovered the hard way, by doing therapy and eating, resting, and taking it easy for awhile. I did get well enough to make decisions and go back to work but the despair was to return.

Two years later I had another recurrence due to high stress and a horrible living environment. These two factors made me lose it again. This time I made the effort to find a good doctor that I felt comfortable with and asked lots of questions. I was able to learn about anti-depressants and why they had been given a bad rap. I also found out both grandmothers and an aunt had suffered severe depression, thereby clueing me in to the genetic link. I finally felt that I had some quality information to make an informed decision. After hearing about how safe modern anti-depressants are for 90% of the population and that they could not make you commit suicide, I decided to try Paxil. This was recommended because it would help my insomnia too. My first concern was the cost. I found out that it cost around $1.00/pill but that I could get it alot cheaper through my school clinic. I also found out that there would be mild side effects the first few days. My next concern was how fast it would work if it all, I was extremely cynical about it actually making me feel better.

My doctor told me to take only 1/2 a pill for the first two days to allow my system to adjust. After two days I began taking a pill each day after I ate dinner each night. Almost immediately I noticed the difference. The third night was the first time I went to bed at 9:00pm and fell asleep immediately and woke at 6:00am. I was elated! Finally I could get consistent rest and not stay up all night long. Well, that continued and I did notice any strange side effects until two weeks later. For two days, I yawned frequently and after I closed my mouth would feel nausea. But nothing ever happened and it went away soon.

I continued taking Paxil for two months and felt my spirits lift around week three. I began eating three meals a day, had the energy to get up each morning, started exercising each morning and basically felt happiness for the first time in years. I now notice that when something bad does happen at work, etc...I don't feel hopeless or despair, I can just deal with it. I have been very happy with it and its changed my life. Now it may not work forever and other things may come up but for now it is working. And my doctor tells me that there are eight or nine other anti-depressants we can try if this doesn't work out. I'd say that's hope right there!

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